You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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