Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
