I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm both gender and math confused
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
