I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
