How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
