it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
