Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
