When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
