How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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