Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
