Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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