Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
