My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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