Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
