Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
