Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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