dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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