i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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