Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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