my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
