Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
