Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
