It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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