sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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