The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
