there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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