He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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