We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
