Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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