she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize