The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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