if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
