Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
