I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
