She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
