i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
