Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
