I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
