What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
