i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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