I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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