im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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