when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
