Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I can't put those talents on a resume
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
