I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
