based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
