Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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