It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
