apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
