on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
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